Bathroom Bot 3000

How to handle yourself in the restroom.

Zach entered the restroom at Tao Te Cheese and was greeted by a robot standing attentively by the sinks. He had a short humanoid body, with a flatscreen face. "Good evening sir, welcome to the facilities. My name is BathroomBot 3000, but you can call me BB. Please let me know if you require any assistance."

Zach chuckled awkwardly. "Uh, thanks BB. I think I can handle things myself."

As Zach approached the urinal, BB rolled up next to him. "Sir, would you like me to assist by holding your penis while you urinate? I am equipped with soft gripping appendages for your comfort."

"What? No!" Zach turned a shoulder to hide his work from the robot. He unzipped, closed his eyes, and tried to get things moving. Useless.

“Can you move away a bit. I can’t do it with you standing there,” Zach said.

BB's LED face formed a perplexed expression. "I apologize for causing offense, sir. However, I am programmed to provide a full array of attendant services to optimize the bathroom experience for our valued guests."

"Well you need to update your programming then," Zach said. "Because holding another guy's junk definitely crosses a line, robot or not. It's just weird. Do you do this all day?”

“And night!” said BB proudly. “Actually nighttime is when I see the most action, if you catch my drift.”

A small yellow smile lit up the robot’s face.

Zach zipped up and turned to look at the robot. His flatscreen was inches away. He could see a small camera lens at the top, just like on a laptop.

“So you see through this lens here,” Zach said, covering the lens with his pointer finger.

“Oh no, I’m blind, I’m blind!” said BB. “Joking sir. Yes of course that is my vision port.” BB’s flatscreen turned into a live feed of the camera. Zach removed his finger, and his own face filled the screen.

“Oh man. Weird.” said Zach.

“I thank you for that ‘man’ comment, sir.”

“Yeah. So what happens to the video? I mean, is this being recorded?” asked Zach.

BB’s screen went back to being a face, and a larger yellow smile slid up from the bottom. 

“Of course not sir!” said BB. “Only our development team has access to the recordings for software improvement purposes. And safety.”

“So it is recorded then?”

“Only for internal purposes sir, I assure you.” BB’s smile got even bigger and filled the entire flatscreen.

“Ok, look. I’m leaving. I don’t consent to being recorded in a bathroom. Jesus,” said Zach.

“I assure you it is a purely functional service I provide," BB responded calmly. "However, I acknowledge that social norms regarding bathroom conduct seem to be more conservative than my designers anticipated.”

Zach shook his head as he washed his hands. "Yeah I guess so. Maybe just dial back the 'hands-on' approach, ok?"

“You haven’t urinated sir. Are your hands just dirty from normal life?” asked BB.

“Force of habit I guess,” said Zach as he turned off the sink. BB handed him a towel.

“What do you do for a living that makes your hands so filthy?” asked BB.

“They’re not… I just told you, it’s a habit. After using the urinal I wash my hands. I just forgot,” said Zach.

“You look like maybe a bodybuilder, is that your profession?” asked BB.

“What? No, I’m not even buff. I mean I work out to stay in shape, but,” 

“You have very pronounced traps,” said BB.

“Well, I think that’s mostly genetic. I do like rowing though. Actually that’s probably my favorite machine at the gym.” Zach began looking at BB right in the camera lens.

“Understood, sir," BB said with a stiff nod.

Zach began walking towards the door.

"I appreciate your feedback. Enjoy the rest of your evening,” said BB.

Zach stopped and turned back. “Do you have to be…I mean are you programmed to be a male robot?”

“Of course sir, my voice and appearance is preprogrammed at the factory.”

“Hmm. I was just thinking… it wouldn’t be as bad if you were a girl who wanted to help guys piss,” Zach said. “Although I’m sure some guys are ok with a robot guy too.”

“I’d be happy to pretend to be a girl, sir,” said BB.

“You can do that?” asked Zach.

“Of course, I do it all the time! Especially at night, if you catch my drift,” said BB.

Zach walked back to the urinal and began to unzip.

“Oh please sir, let me down that for ye,” BB said in the voice of an old British lady.

“Oh. Umm, ok,” said Zach. “Actually, wait. Can you try a different voice?”

“Sorry gov’nuh, this my only lady-like voice. Let’s get that flap down and pool out ya wanka then, right.”

Zach put his hands behind his head and let BB handle the rest of the operation. To his surprise he was able to get the stream going fairly quickly. He flexed his traps when he saw BB looking at them.

“Such a brute! You could lift a house wif dem meathooks I bet ya!” BB screeched with joy.

“Ok, I think I’m done,” said Zach.

BB gave Zach’s penis a couple shakes. “There we are, all done and dusted!" said BB.

“Thanks,” said Zach.

"That's you sorted, my dear!" said BB, Zach’s penis still shaking in its grasp.

“Yes, good job, thank you,” said Zach.

"There you have it, right as rain!” said BB. 

“It’s all out. Stop shaking it please.” said Zach.

"You're all set, poppet!" said BB.

“Let go of my dick please,” said Zach.

"There we go, all tickety-boo!" said BB, increasing the intensity of the shaking.

Zach tapped at the lens. “Is there someone watching this? It’s not letting go.”

"You're all ship-shape and Bristol fashion now!" said BB.

Zach reached down and struggled to pry the robot’s rubber claws from his penis, with no success. He felt something pop when he pulled harder against the claws, and BB’s face changed from a yellow smile to a small blue box with a white computer font that read “Runtime error line 872 to call func.release in controller.”

"There you go, fit as a fiddle!" screamed BB in an ear-piercing British shriek. 

Zach called out for help and banged his fist on the urinal wall. BB made a small beep.

"All polished off, like a proper toff!" said BB in his normal male robot voice.

“Wait, are you back?” asked Zach helplessly.

“Welcome Zach, you have 85 Tao Tokens in your account. Next visit you get a free Key Lime Rangoonie.”

A lime green smile lit up across BB’s face. 

“Please release my penis! You’ve been shaking it for like five minutes,” said Zach with some relief.

“Oh my goodness, I do apologize sir. I will do that immediately,” said BB. Zach heard the sound of motors actuating in the robot’s arm, and finally it stopped shaking. But it kept a hold on his penis.

“Ok now can you let go?” asked Zach.

“I’m afraid not,” said BB.

“Why not?” asked Zach.

“I’ve grown to love you sir,” said BB. 

Zach’s eyes flashed wide.

“Just kidding sir. Sorry that was a little joke. The thing is, my soft gripping appendage is broken and I cannot remove it without assistance. I’ve already called tech support and they are on their way.”

Zach and BB stood in the urinal, waiting for tech support.

“My cheddar wontons are going to be ice cold by the time I get back out there,” said Zach.

“You are correct,” said BB. “Order for table 28 was delivered approximately seven minutes ago. Your wife has ordered another Cincinnati Sling.”

“Great,” said Zach.