Bathroom Bot Revisited
Sincere thanks to Chuck Palahniuk for his critique of my short story Bathroom Bot 3000. I’ve taken much of his advice to heart and revised the story here.
Zach walked into the restroom at Tao Te Cheese. At the sinks stood something like an air compressor on wheels, with a computer monitor sticking out the top. It had a rubbery claw-like thing sticking out each side of the tank. As Zach walked past it towards the urinal, the screen lit up and rotated around to face him. The Tao Te Cheese logo faded up onscreen.
"Good evening sir, welcome to the facilities. My name is BathroomBot 3000, but you can call me BB,” it said in a compliant, stiff kind of voice, “Please let me know if you require any assistance."
“Whoa!” Zach chuckled awkwardly, “I didn’t know you were on, or working, or whatever.”
Zach noticed a piece of toilet paper stuck in its wheel well.
“Thanks BB. I think I can handle things myself,” Zach said. “I’ve heard of you guys but haven’t ever seen one. All the restaurants in my town are local and I think you’re just at the national chains. Why am I talking to a robot, ha!”
As Zach approached the urinal, BB rolled up next to him. Something was rubbing inside its wheel that made a resonant B-flat hum as it moved. "Sir, would you like me to assist by holding your penis while you urinate? I am equipped with soft gripping appendages for your comfort." The rubber claws on each side began to extend out of the robot’s body on the ends of flexible stainless steel hoses.
Zach frowned at it, and turned a shoulder to hide his work from the robot. He unzipped, closed his eyes, and tried to get things moving. Useless.
“Can you move away a bit. I can’t do it with you standing there,” Zach said.
BB's LED face formed a perplexed expression. "I apologize for causing offense, sir. However, I am programmed to provide a full array of attendant services to optimize the bathroom experience for our valued guests."
"Well you need to update your programming then," Zach said. "Because holding another guy's junk definitely crosses a line, robot or not. It's just weird. Do you do this all day?”
“And night!” said BB proudly. “Actually nighttime is when I see the most action, if you catch my drift.” A small yellow smile lit across the robot’s face, and the chorus from “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk played softly from its speaker: “We’re up all night to get lucky, We’re up all night to get lucky, We’re up all night to get lucky…”
Zach noticed a big dent on robot’s casing.
“You have a big dent on your back… uh, the back of your shell,” said Zach.
“Yes sir. I fell down the stairs,” said BB.
“There’s another one on the side, and a big scrape. You’re pretty banged up,” said Zach.
“Yes sir, I fall down a lot,” said BB.
Zach zipped up and turned to look at the robot. Its flatscreen face was a sharp elbow away. Above its screen, a glowing green LED blinked next to a tiny camera lens, just like on a laptop. Sticky residue surrounded the lens, like it had been taped before.
“So you see through this lens here,” Zach said, covering the lens with his pointer finger.
“Oh no, I’m blind, I’m blind!” said BB. “Joking sir. Yes of course that is my vision port.” BB’s flatscreen now showed a live feed of the camera. Zach removed his finger, and his own face filled the screen.
“Oh man. Weird.” said Zach, moving his head left and right to see his stubble. “I should have shaved before this date.”
“I thank you for that ‘man’ comment, sir,” said BB.
“Yeah. So what happens to the video? I mean, is this being recorded?” asked Zach.
BB’s screen went back to being a face, and a larger yellow smile slid up from the bottom.
“Of course not sir!” said BB. “Only our development team has access to the recordings for software improvement purposes. And safety.”
“So it is recorded then?”
“Only for internal purposes sir, I assure you.” BB’s smile got even bigger and filled the entire flatscreen.
“Ok, look. I’m leaving. I don’t consent to being recorded in a bathroom. Jesus,” said Zach.
“I assure you it is a purely functional service I provide," BB responded calmly. "However, I acknowledge that social norms regarding bathroom conduct seem to be more conservative than my designers anticipated.” His flatscreen turned away from Zach toward the bathroom mirrors. In the reflection, Zach saw BB’s face turn pensive.
Zach shook his head as he washed his hands. "Yeah I guess so. Maybe just dial back the 'hands-on' approach, ok?"
BB rotated to face Zach again. “I appreciate your feedback sir.” said BB.
“You haven’t urinated sir. Are your hands just dirty from normal life?” asked BB.
“Force of habit I guess,” said Zach as he turned off the sink. BB handed him a towel.
“What do you do for a living that makes your hands so filthy?” asked BB.
“They’re not… I just told you, it’s a habit. After using the urinal I wash my hands. I just forgot,” said Zach.
“You look like maybe a bodybuilder, is that your profession?” asked BB.
“What? No, I’m not even buff. I mean I work out to stay in shape, but,”
“You have very pronounced traps,” said BB.
“Well, I think that’s mostly genetic. I do like rowing though. Actually that’s probably my favorite machine at the gym.” Zach began looking at BB right in the camera lens.
“Understood, sir," BB said with a stiff nod.
Zach began walking towards the door. His bladder reminded him that he still had to piss. Tao was a twenty minute drive, and he had pre-gamed a 16oz Black Cherry White Claw before leaving the house, and sipped half of another since he’d ordered.
"I appreciate your feedback. Enjoy the rest of your evening,” said BB.
Zach stopped and turned back. “Do you have to be…I mean are you programmed to be a male robot?”
“Of course sir, my voice and appearance is preprogrammed at the factory.”
“Hmm. I was just thinking… it wouldn’t be as bad if you were a girl who wanted to help guys piss,” Zach said. “Although I’m sure some guys are ok with a robot guy too.”
“I’d be happy to pretend to be a girl, sir,” said BB.
“You can do that?” asked Zach.
“Of course, I do it all the time! Especially at night, if you catch my drift,” said BB.
Zach walked back to the urinal, unbuttoned his jeans, and began to unzip.
“Oh please sir, let me down that for ye,” BB said in the voice of an old British lady.
“Oh. Umm, ok,” said Zach. “Actually, wait. Can you try a different voice?”
“Sorry gov’nuh, this my only lady-like voice. Let’s get that flap down and pool out ya wanka then, right?”
Zach put his hands on his hips and let BB handle the rest of the operation. It clasped the zipper and pulled it down. Then one claw spread open his boxer fly and another reached through the opening to grasp the penis. The soft rubbery claw felt surprisingly cold and tacky. It held on with just enough pressure to guide direction, but not enough to be uncomfortable. To his surprise Zach was able to get the stream going fairly quickly.
Zach let out a relieved sigh through pursed lips, “Whew, I really had to go.”
“Looks like master’s had a bit of the ale this evenin’!” said BB.
“Blood Alcohol Content 0.06%” replaced BB’s face on the flatscreen.
“Just a couple. I’ve been holding it for a while. I live on the other side of town,” Zach said.
Zach flexed his traps when he saw BB looking at them.
“Such a brute! You could lift a house wif dem meathooks I bet ya!” BB screeched with joy.
Zach’s stream trickled to a stop.
“Ok, I think I’m done,” said Zach.
BB gave Zach’s penis a couple shakes. “There we are, all done and dusted!" said BB.
“Thanks,” said Zach.
"That's you sorted, my dear!" said BB, its non-slip claw still attached and shaking Zach’s penis.
“Yes, good job, thank you,” said Zach.
"There you have it, right as rain!” said BB.
“It’s all out. Stop shaking it please.” said Zach.
"You're all set, poppet!" said BB.
“Let go of my dick please,” said Zach.
"There we go, all tickety-boo!" said BB, increasing the intensity of the shaking. The skin where the robot’s claw was attached started to hurt.
Zach tapped at the lens. “Is there someone watching this? It’s not letting go.”
Another guest opened the bathroom door and walked in. He saw the urinal was in use and said “sorry” as he turned and walked back out.
“Wait!” Zach called out, but the door had closed.
"You're all ship-shape and Bristol fashion now!" said BB.
Zach reached down and struggled to pry the robot’s rubber claws from his penis, with no success. He felt something pop when he pulled harder against the claws, and BB’s face changed from a yellow smile to a small blue box with a white computer font that read “Runtime error line 872 to call func.release in controller.”
"There you go, fit as a fiddle!" screamed BB in an ear-piercing British shriek.
Zach called out for help and banged his fist on the urinal wall. BB made a small beep.
"All polished off, like a proper toff!" said BB in his normal male robot voice.
“Wait, are you back?” asked Zach helplessly.
“Welcome Zach, you have 85 Tao Tokens in your account. Next visit you get a free Key Lime Rangoonie.”
A lime green smile lit up across BB’s face.
“Please release my penis! You’ve been shaking it for like five minutes,” said Zach with some relief.
“Oh my goodness, I do apologize sir. I will do that immediately,” said BB. Zach heard the sound of motors actuating in the robot’s arm, and finally it stopped shaking. But it kept a hold on his penis.
“Ok now can you let go?” asked Zach.
“I’m afraid not,” said BB.
“Why not?” asked Zach.
“I’ve grown to love you sir,” said BB.
Zach’s eyes flashed wide.
“Just kidding sir. Sorry that was a little joke. The thing is, my soft gripping appendage is broken and I cannot remove it without assistance. I’ve already called tech support and they are on their way.”
Zach and BB stood in the urinal, waiting for tech support.
“My cheddar wontons are going to be ice cold by the time I get back out there,” said Zach.
“You are correct,” said BB. “Order for table 28 was delivered approximately seven minutes ago. Your wife has ordered another Cincinnati Sling.”
“Great,” said Zach. “How far away is tech support?”
“Carlos is our closest support agent. He is en route from Wichita,” said BB.
“Kansas?” asked Zach.
“Yes sir,” said BB. “With stops for gas his estimated travel time is fourteen hours and eight minutes.”
“I can’t even stand up that long! Much less with my dick out,” said Zach. “Damn, I have to work in ten hours.”
“At the gym sir?” said BB.
“No, I’m not a fucking bodybuilder. I work at The Fox and Hound. I’m a bartender,” said Zach. “I left my phone at the table. Can you call your M.O.D.?”
“I really don’t like to bother her. She has a lot on her plate,” said BB.
“Well I’m going to tear your arm off if you can’t get someone in here to help me,” said BB.
“The thing is, she is the reason I have all of these bumps and dents sir,” said BB. “She really quite dislikes me.”
“I’m starting to see why,” said Zach.
“How about we make a little deal,” said BB. “I can dish out a hundred free Tao Tokens if you can wait for tech support to arrive.”
Zach tried to do the math in his head. “What would that get me, like, a free dessert? That’s not enough,” Zach said.
“How many Tao Tokens would be acceptable sir?” asked BB.
“I don’t know, a million?” said Zach. “Enough so I can eat here free for life?”
“I’m not sure I can grant that many, sir, but let me check,” said BB.
The robot’s screen went dark for a half-second and the Tao Te Cheese logo appeared again. A grand imperial-sounding processional march began playing from its speaker.
BB’s voice returned, “You have one million and eighty-five Tao Tokens in your account. Congratulations Zach, you are now on the Emperor’s Court. You receive a free birthday appetizer.”